Crime Against Shoemanity

These were submitted in by an alert, shoe-conscious reader. Holy shit guys, wow. They are by Free People--

Oh god. Where do I start? Tacky lace print, random cut-out for no apparent reason...? Also, this may just because this particular model has the skinniest damn legs I've ever seen, but look what happens when you view from the front:

They look positively DUMPY!!! Don't you think her toes look slightly ashamed?

At Least They Breathe?

Aw look, a poor unfortunate kitten heeled pump got stuck in a fishing net-- oh wait. No.

That's part of the shoe. Oh brother.

Mother's Day Ideas...

#1. Not This.

Memo to "Hot Fash" (yes that's their real name...) shoes...you cannot take a boring, hideous HOOF of a shoe, stick it on a platform and a stiletto, and call it fashion. You just. Can't.

Who does a girl have to flash some cleave at to get this bootie trend to go away?

I Err...Uh...

I think I'm finally speechless? These boots by Report look like something covered by health insurance. You know, those walking casts? They also remind me of shipping boots for horses, which are pillowy leg wraps to keep horses from injuring their legs while being trailored.

But wait, there's more. They come in camo print too. At least Macy's has the decency to put these fuglies on sale. They are now $42, which is still about -$500 too much for these things, because someone would have to pay me $500 just to be seen in them. They used to retail for $120. Wow, um...a little ambitious there eh Report?

Net Worth

Can't decide if you want to wear strappy stilettos or just throw on some fishnets? Well good thing Emilio Pucci designed this with you in mind. And he has the balls to call it a boot. My first exposure to boots was cowgirl boots & paddock boots (used for equestrian sports). These are most certainly not boots.
That stiletto is 5 1/4" tall, but the whimsical copywriter who describes these uglies wants you to know that the platform toe makes it feel like "only" 3 1/2!

But the best part about these? They cost over a thousand fucking dollars. Yeah. These shoes are listed at $1,165.00 on Zappos. That's balls, Emilio Pucci. Serious balls.

Bootie Sandals

Ok seriously.

What. The hell.

I was first introduced to the Bootie Sandal when Sugar Shoes sent me an email blast entitled "BOOTY SANDALS". Excuse me? I imagined something pretty damn heinous. And I really hope someone in copyediting got a serious smack on the wrists. Preferably with one of these ugly shoes. They aren't even that cheap. The featured "Ghostdance" style at the top of the page will run you $54.99 plus an additional $5.95 in shipping. It comes in 2 other colors, if you dare.If fringe isn't your thing, you can pick up the "Navajo Mosaic Floral" for $44.99 (plus shipping). There are a couple of other equally terrible versions of the Navajo as well.

It has since come to my attention through the magic of Google-Fu that Sugar Shoes is not the only brand making these abominations. My mind: boggled.