Crime Against Shoemanity

These were submitted in by an alert, shoe-conscious reader. Holy shit guys, wow. They are by Free People--

Oh god. Where do I start? Tacky lace print, random cut-out for no apparent reason...? Also, this may just because this particular model has the skinniest damn legs I've ever seen, but look what happens when you view from the front:

They look positively DUMPY!!! Don't you think her toes look slightly ashamed?

Alice In WHAT?

These are from Versace summer. So you KNOW they cost a bloody fortune. They are supposed to be Alice in Wonderland inspired, but I think that's their nice way of saying they're ACID inspired. My problems with these are many:

1. WTF platform toe? That platform looks like an overgrown hoof. No really, I've seen lots of them.

2. ... no, sorry, I just can't even get past the hoof toe.

Go Green! the face.

I'm pretty sure this is not what people mean when they urge others to go green.

And just. Why so strapped? ....

$30 (about $29 too many) on And don't get me wrong, I love GoJane. But these? THESE! No.

Festive F-Me Pumps

Ok seriously.

Corn isn't something I want to associate with shoes/my feet, candy or otherwise. So WTF ARE THESE????

Unfortunately for you people out there with no taste, I have no idea where these came from or how much they cost. Consider that a blessing, because I do not want to be responsible for someone buying/wearing these!!!


It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaack. :)

I am back with more ugly shoe updates.

Try Not To Barf...

These reptile print gladiator sandals are a mere $22 and change from Forever 21. They come in 2 other colors of rept-vile print-- black, and green. I kinda feel like the yellow ones are the most heinous though.

I think I've got it...gladiator sandals are not only styled like the sandals gladiators wore, but they are designed to make us want to throw them to the lions, too. Or anyone who happens to be wearing them...

Forever 21 actually has a pretty wide selection of cheap gladiator sandals. It sort of turned my stomach to see them all. However, if you are going to follow ridiculous ugly trends I guess at least they are cheap?

At Least They Breathe?

Aw look, a poor unfortunate kitten heeled pump got stuck in a fishing net-- oh wait. No.

That's part of the shoe. Oh brother.

Mother's Day Ideas...

#1. Not This.

Memo to "Hot Fash" (yes that's their real name...) cannot take a boring, hideous HOOF of a shoe, stick it on a platform and a stiletto, and call it fashion. You just. Can't.

Who does a girl have to flash some cleave at to get this bootie trend to go away?

I Err...Uh...

I think I'm finally speechless? These boots by Report look like something covered by health insurance. You know, those walking casts? They also remind me of shipping boots for horses, which are pillowy leg wraps to keep horses from injuring their legs while being trailored.

But wait, there's more. They come in camo print too. At least Macy's has the decency to put these fuglies on sale. They are now $42, which is still about -$500 too much for these things, because someone would have to pay me $500 just to be seen in them. They used to retail for $120. Wow, um...a little ambitious there eh Report?

Darth Shoe

Darth Vader

Proenza Flat Zip Sandals - $1050

AM I RIGHT???????

Fringe Fries

Ok guys, Christian Louboutin is clearly just fucking with you.

These are a $1,095 hot mess.

Torrid Pink Snakeskin Uglies

First of all, I understand how this monstrosity happened. As a plus sized gal myself, and frequent Torrid shopper, I have noticed an odd trend in their pieces. It seems as though they've gotten so into "we are plus sized bodacious FIERCE babes!!!!!!!! raaarrr! girl power!" and "plus sized girls can push fashion envelopes just like anyone else!!!" that they very often have really over the top, insane looking trainwreck pieces. Case in point...this fugly shoe. It's many "fashiony" elements can we cram into one shoe?! Ick. The Finella Gladiator in Pink Snakeskin retails for $39.

To Torrid's credit, these Fugella (err excuse me, Finella) also comes in brown and black, which does look better than pink snake, but not by much.

Taking Jungle Fever To A New Level

What is going ON here? These shoes make my head hurt (and my eyes bleed). You have heel, you have a myriad of straps (just THINK of the tan lines), and you have that god awful snake print, and there's that "nifty" weaving down the front (which actually makes it look like there's a friggin snake on your foot-- sexy kinda...ew.)

Looks like somone over at Dolce Vita got a little strap-happy. And none of them are even functional. The entry to this shoe?

A zipper. Of course!

Net Worth

Can't decide if you want to wear strappy stilettos or just throw on some fishnets? Well good thing Emilio Pucci designed this with you in mind. And he has the balls to call it a boot. My first exposure to boots was cowgirl boots & paddock boots (used for equestrian sports). These are most certainly not boots.
That stiletto is 5 1/4" tall, but the whimsical copywriter who describes these uglies wants you to know that the platform toe makes it feel like "only" 3 1/2!

But the best part about these? They cost over a thousand fucking dollars. Yeah. These shoes are listed at $1,165.00 on Zappos. That's balls, Emilio Pucci. Serious balls.

Bootie Sandals

Ok seriously.

What. The hell.

I was first introduced to the Bootie Sandal when Sugar Shoes sent me an email blast entitled "BOOTY SANDALS". Excuse me? I imagined something pretty damn heinous. And I really hope someone in copyediting got a serious smack on the wrists. Preferably with one of these ugly shoes. They aren't even that cheap. The featured "Ghostdance" style at the top of the page will run you $54.99 plus an additional $5.95 in shipping. It comes in 2 other colors, if you dare.If fringe isn't your thing, you can pick up the "Navajo Mosaic Floral" for $44.99 (plus shipping). There are a couple of other equally terrible versions of the Navajo as well.

It has since come to my attention through the magic of Google-Fu that Sugar Shoes is not the only brand making these abominations. My mind: boggled.